two returns

a return to the blog and a return to well-being

It has been a rather long and unplanned hiatus, but I have decided to revisit the blog.  This time I have a focus, a narrower focus.  Over the past couple of years, I have been doing quite a bit of research about nutrition and how it relates to the brain, a lot of soul searching and focusing on my well-being.  It may sound selfish or even impossible, a mother of seven focusing on her own well-being, but nothing could be further from the truth.  In reality, the Soul of any home is in so many ways shaped by the well-being of Mother.
 
A grumpy mother, makes for resentful and grumpy children.  A Mother with mood-swings leaves her children bewildered and even afraid.  A short-tempered mother will find her children equally short-tempered and gradually dismissive of her anger.  And, a mother who is frequently grumpy, plagued with mood-swings and clouded with an inexplicably short temper may find herself sitting alone in a green-cushioned, cherry wood rocking chair in her bedroom crying even though she is seemingly living the life she had long ago fashioned in prayer.  A life that is full, fruitful, and without any genuine poverties.

And so that is where I found myself one day a few years ago.  In my mind, wondering why I was crying, what was the source of this sadness and discontent, pondering the loss of the even, easy going, fun-loving Mama I had been for so long.  I felt confused, lost and pitiful sitting in that rocking chair weeping.  My husband tried, but could offer no consolations and was as bewildered as I.  Something had to be done, there had to be an exit from this downward spiral and it seemed to me that I was the one who had to find a path back to joy and away from this silly, but very real, discontent.

Thus it began.

I forced myself to resume a neglected prayer life; some days that prayer was just a simple Ave muttered in a desperate moment, other days it was more disciplined.  Just the act of intentionally fixing my mind on prayer again gave a glimmer of hope, something to grasp. And then, just now and then, a little spiritual reading.  Reading the life of Blessed Azelie, mother of St. Therese of Lisieux  laid out for me a clear profile of the motherhood and wife I wanted to emulate and offered me much encouragement. (Indeed, when my fifth daughter was born earlier this month, I insisted we give her the middle name Azelie in honor of my beloved heavenly intercessor and confidante.)

Prayer wasn't enough to heal all that ailed me, but I believe it was prayer that opened my heart to follow a path that has brought me so far from that sad afternoon in the green-cushioned cherry wood rocking chair.

2012::Resolutions

:: be nicer than necessary
:: light candles more often
:: five daily habits:  drink tea, take a photograph, inhale fresh air, pray,  record a moment
:: always find a reason to be grateful
:: pursue independent projects, welcome the curious
:: talk less, laugh more
:: be early
:: follow through
:: tidy as I go

my life in lists :: what I want more of

:: romance
:: breakfast
:: time to savor
:: less
:: laughter
:: harmony

my life in lists :: regrets

:: unwritten thank-you notes
:: grudges
:: complaining.  ever.
:: answering "maybe later" too many times
:: gossip
:: being "busy"
:: quitting guitar lessons
:: debating with strangers on e-mail lists
:: not keeping a tidier house
:: unplanted gardens
:: losing my temper
:: buying too much stuff
:: being perpetually late
:: television

39 before 40::Strengthening the body

Five months along now on my journey from thirty nine years old to forty.  The goal is to feel rejuvenated and strengthened, healthier and restored by my fortieth. I started with my diet by adding lots of good fats, fermented foods and a supplement of cod liver oil and simultaneously eliminated--for the most part--sugar and grains.  It is obvious to me now just how critical a good diet is to my well-being.  My energy and moods are critically impacted by what I eat and don't eat:  plenty of good fats are as essential to an even temperament as sugars are to destroying a pleasant demeanor.  And, as to my dental problems, I note now that if I cheat a bit too much on my sugar/grain intake, I will experience pain in certain teeth.  Staying the course as much as possible.

And now for exercise.  In my ideal world, there would long daily walks (barefoot) and I would bike to the grocery store or farmers' market each day for our food.  Alas, this is not the season for such luxuries.  But, I have really been interested in studying about biomechanics at the humorous and intelligent Katy Bowman's site, Aligned & Well.  Through her work, I am learning an awful lot about anatomy, the interconnectedness of muscles, they way joints work and, frankly, that my hamstrings are really quite tight.  So, each--well, most--morning I spend a time stretching, trying little by little to get my muscles to their optimal length so that they can support the work I demand of them.  I am practicing ways to squat, lift, stand, and walk.  The exercises are not difficult, but very practical and can be accomplished throughout the day without any special equipment and without leaving my home.

39 before 40:

6.  Stretching and learning to use my body correctly.

in which I listen to an Inner Voice and the voices of my children

It is nearly midnight as I sit nestled in this old wing back chair contemplating, praying, and preparing to face my children in the morning.  Tomorrow is the start of school and I have been preparing for this day, this year, in ebbs and tides for the past few months.  My son--my eldest child--starts high school in just a few short hours and my eldest daughter begins the middle school journey (sixth grade).  Everyone is eager and excited to embrace the challenges of their new grade level all the way down to my first-grader.

I am a bit unsettled.  Plans have been uprooted and my little scholars have no idea.


Over the years we have tripped our way through a variety of approaches to homeschooling, but heavy on the Classical and Charlotte Mason, with a fair amount of Montessori in the early years (until I burned out on managing all of those precious materials).  There was a year of Robinson Curriculum which went quite well with my year of Most Drowsy, Foggy Pregnancy Ever.  And before that there was a year of Not Schooling.  (I wish I could call it Unschooling, but it would be an insult to the amazing Un-schooling parents I have had the pleasure of knowing and witnessing.)

Always our school has been heavy on literature, Living Books as Charlotte Mason called them.  That is my favorite thread of our educational tapestry so far and I think the children would agree.  I've tried to avoid too many textbooks, but they started to creep and then trickle in at a steady pace.  First a Math text, cause you have to have a Math text, right?  And then, Latin, because learning Latin by immersion is not going to work in our home.  Well, Mommy's not so good at Science, so maybe we'd better get a Science text to guide us.  A writing program?  Excellent idea, being a good writer is very important.  Piano method books?  How could you make proper music at the piano without a good old-fashioned method book?

And then there is a schedule to manage the textbooks.  Yes, my perspective is that the schedule manages the textbooks to a greater degree than it manages the children.  "An hour with the math text first, now forty-five minutes with the Latin text, next spend another forty-five with the Science textbook, if you please. Ad nauseum."

All summer as I have been hashing over course work for my almost High Schooler---carefully selecting an Ancient History syllabus, registering him for the All-Important Pre-AP Biology class, seeking out a Latin tutor, considering how I should fill certain "gaps" I see in his education thus far---there has been a nagging voice.  Not a whispering nag, but a loud, persistent voice that presses me into accepting the truth that we are not where I wanted to be in this home educating journey.

Then, not by happenstance, I read this stirring post by Susan at My Summer Notebook.  In it she writes:

We didn’t do a lot of things others do in high school. We didn’t use curricula (except for math and sometimes as a resource for science). The kids never wrote a research paper at home (or studied how to write one). There were no set schedules and lesson plans to follow. I didn’t give the kids assignments, and there was no memory work, drill, quizzes, or tests. We didn’t do SAT prep (with an exception I’ll tell you about later) and there were no AP courses or tests. We didn’t have a daily schedule. I didn’t plan the kids “courses,” learning, or direction. I didn’t teach anything. On the other hand, we didn’t totally wing it, fly by the seat of our pants, or propel ourselves by whim, emotion, or inclination. Laziness, complaining, whining, or boredom wouldn’t have been tolerated.

Oh, do go read the whole post so you can see how her daughter got her well-earned Botany credit.

So, I talked to my older children about all of this last week.  I told them about Aimee and the meaningful journey to her Botany credit, I told them about my early dreams for our home learning.  I told them of how I'd wanted them to be free to pursue their individual interests and that along the way they would learn to research and write and they would discover science and their Faith without having to drill it.  I confessed to them that I honestly do not feel that excited about getting up in the morning to oversee their studies under the burdenous yoke of textbooks & workbooks or the confines of detailed schedules.

They were agog.  Panicked, actually.  I saw them exchange worried glances.

Firstborn finally stammered, "Umm, Mom, I like learning that way.  I am starting High School and there are supposed to be texts and schedules." 

Then Sunshine urgently plied, "You are making a schedule for us, aren't you Mom?  I like learning that way, too."

And in that instant I suddenly possessed the knowledge 

that this school year isn't going to look very much like the one I had planned.

to be continued

39 before 40 :: Nourishing the Body

Because age has never been a really measuring stick for me nor aging an entity that I feared, I have been rather surprised by how much revolving around the sun for the 39th time has permeated my consciousness .  I don't think I ever sat down to write about Juju's birth, but I really grasped on that day--just a little over a year ago now--that my core strength has eroded over the past few years.  While the labor was blessedly free of any complications, it was my most difficult.  Plagued with mild morning sickness during the third trimester, I was malnourished and weak.  Not only was my body weak, but my once strong and determined spirit was depleted;  I was pleading with the midwife to just take me to the hospital for an epidural.  Gratefully, she held my hand all the way through and Baby was born at home, albeit to a weak, exhausted Mama.  A mama who realized that she needed to restore her body, soul, and spirit.

The next year was difficult.  These last two babies are my closest spaced.  My toddler is high spirited and adventuresome and Baby turned out to be an early walker and adept climber.  My eldest son reached adolescence--a mix of new pleasures and new challenges.  My husband's job situation changed and has required more of his time and more of his energy.  The constant disorder of the house cluttered--well, clutters--my brain. I have alternated between treading water and sinking.  Restoration most certainly did not happen.

And then my thirty-ninth birthday in April.  And suddenly a panicked realization that fertility is not immortal and the overwhelming chaos that comes with mothering young children is truly temporary.  All at once, the grasping that I am soon to be heading into my forties and, in the blink of an eye, my fifties and that I will have children here at home with me during those years.  Children depending on me for their physical needs and for emotional nurturing.  An urgent resolution occured on that birthday, that with God's grace and to the best of my ability, I do not want to spend my children's youth--or my grandchildren's, for that matter--physically weakened, malnourished, spiritually lackluster and in a mental fog. I realized that these are the "middle years" so to speak and they will lay the foundation for my "later years"  Years that I am actively hoping will find me able bodied and maintaining a sharp wit.


A resolution for restoration.  
A journey to regain what has been lost.

Every one must study his own nature. Some of you can sustain life with less food than others can, and therefore I desire that he who needs more nourishment shall not be obliged to equal others, but that every one shall give his body what it needs for being an efficient servant of the soul. For as we are obliged to be on our guard against superfluous food which injures body and soul alike, thus we must be on the watch against immoderate fasting, and this the more, because the Lord wants conversion and not victims.

~Francis of Assisi

Right around the time of my birthday, I went to the dentist for a check up and we had a conversation about doing some long overdue work.  It was a discouraging appointment as usual because, though I have a fabulous, holistic dentist, I also have a mouthful of decaying teeth.  This time he made a comment, though, that really rattled me in to facing reality, "Almamater, your home care is great.  I can see that you are brushing and flossing just fine.  All of the decay is coming from the inside, though.  What are you eating??? "  What??  Me?  I am a healthy eater.  Whole grains! Okay, too many of them, a constant throughout the day, actually.  Fruits and vegetables!  Well, maybe not as many as I like to imagine.  Sugar!  Yes, a lot.  Almost compulsively, but doesn't brushing teeth take care of that? Meat!  Yes, good proteins.

And so, with little steps and always seeking a divinely laid path, I have been moving forward.  Knowing that the health of the body is critical to the well-being of the mind, the strength of the immune system, and, well, all of the operating systems of life, I have been focusing on nourishing my physical self, searching to placate the true needs of my body.  Now that I am tuned in, I can hear the cries of deficiencies and of over-indulgences.

I have spent  a lot of time revisiting a forgotten cookbook from my kitchen shelf that shares the discoveries of an early 20th century dentist who traveled the world studying indigenous diets of remote tribes and villages. Diets that resulted in healthy people who suffered few diseases and even less dental decay.  Sounds like just what the doctor ordered for me. And now there are new ingredients in my diet:  cod liver oil, pastured butter, real whole milk, pastured beef, coconut oil, lots of fresh and fermented vegetables, kim chi, sardines, bone broths and so much more goodness.  And some of my bad companions---only with the help of the Holy Ghost---have been banished--well, mostly:  grains and sugars.

 Grains and sugars have long been my boost on a long afternoon and my comfort at the end of a hard day.  And I have long known that they are like the wolves in sheep's clothing---pretending to be my friend, but really meaning to harm me.  And yet, the temptation, the addiction.  I didn't think it possible to overcome and banish these wolves.  But, I prayed, begging for the strength and it was granted.  Literally overnight.

And so,the beginning of my 39 before 40:
          
      1.  Giving up--mostly--my dietary undoings: sugars and grains.
     2.   Embracing a genuinely nourishing, nutritious, mindful habit of eating.
     3.  Incorporating necessary, carefully selected supplements.
     4.  Visiting the eye doctor for the first time in fourteen years (my vision with glasses is still 20/20, though it doesn't feel that way)
     5.  Seeking and embracing a natural and true healing of my dismal dental health.