A Reply

Recently I was approached by a woman in my son's art class. I shifted a bit under her intent gaze fixed on the sphere of four children that danced about me. She approached me, and following a pregnant pause, she looked into my eyes and asked, "How do you do it?" But, before I could contemplate a coherent response, I learned that it was intended as a rhetorical question. She continued on with no further pauses telling me how important her career had been, how she had waited until she was forty and then adopted a daughter and how it had all been so perfect. As she spoke rapidly, her eyes darted from mine to each of the children and back around again, and she kept interrupting herself with the rhetorical theme..."how do you do it?" "I don't know how you do it." "I could never have done what you are doing." She walked away before I could say a word.

It is not mine to know what is really in this woman's heart, though I sensed a twinge of longing, maybe some achings. I do, however, regret that the conversation ended before I had an opportunity to reply to her, because, I do have a response. So, to The Woman Who Asked, "How do you do it?":

My short reply is that I do it by the grace of God. I do it because I have to do it. Not the “have to” synonymous with “an obligation or requirement,” but rather, “have to” because it is who I am, who I need to be. Motherhood is in the very fiber of my being and while I didn’t always plan to have a large family, I see now that I cannot resist it. Of course, there are the theological and biblical forces that convict a Catholic to “go forth and multiply,” but the rewards of clinging to God’s graces and passionately embracing this edict are innumerable. Some lovingly refer to this edict as a vocation: the vocation of motherhood.

When I am asked, “how do you do it?” I guess it means: “Why do you keep having more? How do you take care of them all? Where do you get the energy?” My reply: How can I not do it? This is God’s calling for my life right now, thus He supplies me with all that I need. Some people think that mothers of large families can manage because they are stronger or more virtuous than others. This is not true for me, though child rearing certainly helps a parent to grow in virtue. Children, in their innocence, manage to purge one of selfishness and stir one’s lazy bones; they certainly provide with endless opportunities for humility and patience. Most of all, their absorbent souls and observant minds require us to strive to be the best possible model of patience, generosity, kindness, modesty, and compassion that we can be. It is true, after all, that children learn by our example.

Since having my fourth baby, I am often asked, “Is this it or do you want more?” Most people are incredulous, some are admiring, when they hear my reply. “How many more?” they ask. I physically feel my heart swell with love at each child’s birth…love for the newborn, love for my other children, and love for my husband. Each personality brings a new dimension, a new richness that expands our family heart.

How many more?! How could I put a limit on God’s creative process? On His generosity? I can assure you that I shall never tire of the intoxicating scent of a newborn babe. I may be exhausted at the end of each day, but I can never weary of rejoicing in the many accomplishments and victories …first steps of a one year old, beaming pride of a five year old finishing her first chapter book, the scientific discoveries of a curious school boy.

As I recount the day, I could almost chuckle at the questions. “How do you do it? How many more?” I am sustained and impelled by grace. Grace is like a spiritual oxygen; one cannot survive or thrive without it. Amongst the laundry, the dishes, the schoolwork, I smiled at the interjecting sweetness: my three year old daughter who runs to comfort her crying baby sister just awakened from a nap, my five year old daughter who leaps to help her younger sister heat up dinner in the microwave, and my eight year old son who asks if we can take Daddy’s home made tortilla chips to share with his Little League team.

Yes, there is exhaustion, frustration, uncertainty, sorrow, and worry. But there are stronger forces: Faith, Hope, and Charity. And Grace.