mirror, mirror, on the wall

Or, rather...mirror, mirror on their little faces.

I've been in a "funk" lately. Why aren't my children smiling more? Why are they so often bickering? Why the seemingly constant complaints and lack of gratitude? Why don't they work more earnestly at their tasks? Why are their rooms such messes? Why?!?! I've been doing this long enough to know the answer to these rantings of mine. If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. It's an old saying that we've all heard tossed out in jest or seen cross-stitched onto a little pillow at a garage sale. But, oh, the truth behind it.

My dear midwife once told me of attending births in which the mother, having just given birth and upon learning the gender of her newborn babe, expressed severe disappointment. "How could the baby be a boy," she moaned, "when I had so expected, anticipated and longed for a daughter?" Or vice versa. The tragically fascinating result was that the baby, sensing the mother's disappointment would go into medically inexplicable respiratory distress. My midwife sadly explained that she had witnessed this unspeakable "conversation" between Mother and Newborn on several occasions. Even to the extent that when Daddy held the baby, respiration would rebound and when placed again in Mother's arms, the distress immediately returned.

Imagine how these little ones, even from the very beginning, are sensitive to our sighs of frustration, averted eyes, sullen tones of voice and subtle expressions of disappointment. Imagine how they seek, even from the very beginning, our approval and our unqualified love. Fathom for a moment, the immense responsibility we mothers (and fathers) have to be steady and encouraging, even in the face of frustration.

Now for the hard part: The Admission. To use another old saying, the children are doing as I am doing and not as I am saying. What am I doing? Not being very happy. So, back to my initial ranting interrogation: Why aren't my children smiling more? 'Cause I'm not smiling much. Why are they so often bickering? I am not being a constant model of pleasant exchanges. Why the seemingly constant complaints and lack of gratitude? I've been complaining a lot lately and probably not sounding to grateful. Why don't they work more earnestly at their tasks? I flutter about highly distracted, not giving my full presence to my work. Why are their rooms such messes? Umm...my room is the messiest.

It hasn't always been this way. Back when I was fresh at this whole role of Motherhood, I was always very mindful of my moods and actions, knowing how strongly they would impact my children. But somehow as the family grew, the house grew and the possessions grew, my focus has grown a bit fuzzy. I remember an exchange I had years ago with another dad, a father of one delightful daughter. He remarked about how difficult parenthood is and I laughingly replied, "yes, you have to be good all of the time!"

The Professor and I had a similar conversation yesterday. He, patient spouse that he is, has been growing weary of my "funk." I gave him the rant (see above) . We talked, though, about how having five children (because though the fifth isn't yet born, he/she certainly plays into my moods) is just a lot of hard work, all day, every day. And I got to thinking that the hardest part isn't the physical effort at all, but the mental perseverance. Keeping tempers in check, not exxagerating my disappointment or frustration to small glitches in the day, etcetera, etcetera. But, for me, the hardest part is the self-discipline. I want my children to be more self-disciplined than I am. Guess what? That isn't likely. They do as I do. For better or worse, consciously or unconsciously, they strive for the model put before them.

And so it is back to my knees I go. Overcoming my weaknesses is not something I can do alone. Only through prayer and the graces received through the sacraments will my children's faces become a reflection of the peace and joy they witness.

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Prayer to obtain the Grace to give Good Example

O God, what a pwerful exhortation Thy divine Son addresses to me also when He says, "Let your light shine." It is Thy holy will that I should give to my children in all things the example of a life pleasing to Thee. How else can they become virtuous themselves? I ask, therefore, for thy assistance, through the merits of this Holy Sacrifice, to lead a truly christian life. Enrich me with Thy grace, that I may be able to avoid in all my words, actions, and omissions what is unworthy of the name of Christian. Help me to exercise all the virtues of a Christian life, and to arrive at ever-increasing perfection, so that my life may be an example for my children.

How wonderfully, O Lord, hast Thou worked in Thy saints! Watch over and graciously protect me. I am indeed not worthy of such great graces; but Thou art a merciful God; Thou lovest my children, since they are also Thy children. For their sake and that of Jesus, Thy Son, grant my petitions. Amen.

~from "The Christian Mother: the Education of Her Children and Her Prayers" by Rev. W. Cramer, copyright 1880; republished in 2004 by Holy Cross Pulications.